The truth about bickering

The Top 10 best arguments you'll ever have.

I told you… glasses on the top drawer, heavily soiled pans on the bottom. Christ, Steve. [Photo by Zdeněk Macháček on Unsplash]

Everybody loves arguing, it seems. Switch on the TV and Question Time audiences and daytime TV presenters are laying into one another; aimlessly scroll online and it’s a prison riot. There’s no buzz quite like arguing face to face, though. Petty disagreements, either in our relationship or friendships hanging by threads pulled ever tighter by each extra glass of Sancerre, are comforting, almost, in their predictability. From quibbles over who gets control of the remote (or channel-changer, zapper, buttons, or whatever weird moniker your upbringing insists you give it) to full-on teeth-bearing in the vegetable aisle of the local supermarket, arguments suddenly spring up from nowhere, briefly put you at war, and then either fizzle out, lead to aimless make-up sex, or leave you churning with insults unhurled for the rest of your life. But is there a best argument? Should you rank them, what would come out on top? And how would you judge? Sheer inevitability? Dull predictability? The likelihood it will preface the thud of divorce papers on your mat a few weeks later?

There’s no science behind this, because no two boffins would stop arguing long enough to lend their credentials, but this is an informal ranking of the rows you’re likely to find yourself caught up in. Especially if you’re one of those argumentative types who tuts at the slightest thing. Argue with me about that character assassination later if you must.

10. Doing your share

“I’m not your mother.” This stealthy potboiler begins with a gentle shake of the head at the bins not being taken out, followed by pointed clattering as you fill the dishwasher for the fortieth time in a row – oh yes, you counted. It graduates to rotas tacked to the fridge door, discussions over new ‘systems’ for getting through chores, until finally, eight years after you move in together, they finally put those bin bags to good use – by filling them with your possessions and leaving them on the doorstep.

9. Splitting a bill

“I only had a starter." Nothing classier than a venomous set-to in full view of a restaurant filled with people who wish they’d stayed at home glued to Netflix. Best results arise from a large group, of which two people had seventeen courses, three bottles of wine, and a cigar, while you, at the other end of the table, ate only a gluten-free cracker and a marshmallow. You will huff, harangue, and sulk – but you’ll give in. Next time, you fill your boots – but that’s the one time a ‘friend’ says, “Acksh…” (this means “actually”, people who argue over bills are terrible) “Maybe we should just pay for what we had.” You can’t win.

8. Designated driver

Few things tell the world you could do with some couples’ counselling more than going at it in the driveway throwing car keys at one another because tonight, just for a change, you want to obliterate the last three years of precious memories with whisky. You are, quite literally, arguing about who is allowed to get drunk. Your children, watching from an upstairs window and mentally preparing themselves to tell you they’d prefer the dog got custody of them, must be so proud. Speaking of which…

Fine, Matthew, let the children have a can of Monster before bedtime. See if I care. I’m going out. Where? Speed dating, that’s where. [Photo by David Clode on Unsplash]

7. Parenting styles

“So your children are allowed to just… bite people, then?” Critiquing others’ child-rearing decisions like they’re a new production at the Old Vic is the perfect way to make new enemies. Shouldn’t that child be in bed by now? Are toddlers supposed to drink flat whites? Did that teenage just roll her eyes at my inane questioning about their exams? This is one you can try at home too, if you’re lucky enough to have your own children. Locking horns over homework; bickering over whose turn it is to be in a meeting that can’t be disturbed; a full summit – with slides – about how often your little darlings should be eating chips. Be sure to fling some pass-agg comments your partner’s way every now and again – maybe tell them they’re too stifling, or that your precious kid is at risk of scurvy unless they stop eating kebabs. People get defensive about their offspring in the same way I might if someone criticised my shoes, so I can relate. I can always stop wearing the shoes, however – your genetic shame isn’t going anywhere for years.

6. Arrangements