The truth about 'Interview With The Vampire'
They bite! They bum! They float!
Welcome to EJECTOR SEAT, where I watch the pilot episode of a TV show old or new, and ask myself (literally) whether it’s worth carrying on.
Interview With The Vampire? Please tell me this is Count von Count from Sesame Street doing a shocking tell-all exposé with Oprah about Cookie Monster and Grover’s coked-up escapades in Studio 54?
So close! That is a shape! No, IWTV – as we will call it to avoid typing out that annoyingly long title every time – is a new-ish series based on Anne Rice’s books about a pack of horny, queer vampires and now both ‘seasons’ of it have been dumped on iPlayer.
Why does this sound familiar?
There was a movie adaptation thirty years ago, with Tom Cruise, that was both admired and derided depending on who you asked.
The mucho macho Tom Cruise? In a film about horny, queer vampires? Is my frontal lobe glitching?
Don’t worry, the film was neither horny nor queer, this was 1994, but Tom wore a lovely ‘Madonna Ray of Light era’ wig and looked longingly at Brad Pitt for a while.
Right. Who’s in it?
The pilot of IWTV stars Sam Reid as majorly horny and romantic vampire Lestat, a recent blow-in to New Orleans in 1910. Sam was last seen as a closeted, agitated Australian journalist in The Newsreader (very good, btw) so I guess playing a manipulative vampire isn’t much of a stretch for him.
Sigh. Who else is in it?
Our main character is actually a young, wealthy brothel owner, the brilliantly named Louis de Pointe du Lac, played by Jacob Anderson, who was apparently in Game of Thrones but I’ve never seen it. He was also in that Doctor Who Flux thing that we’re all trying to forget. He lives in New Orleans with his mother and sister Grace and sweet, yet religiously fanatical, brother Paul. Rounding things off is veteran reporter Daniel Molloy, played by Eric Bogosian, who’s been in loads of stuff – but he’s not in 1910, he’s living in the present day, which is where the pilot episode kicks off.
What? This isn’t another time travel thing is it? I can’t get attached; they always get axed after one season.
I literally said a few paragraphs up that BOTH seasons of IWTV are on iPlayer and, no, it’s not time travel. Vampires live a long time, remember, like, for ever? Old Molloy in the 2020s is interviewing a much older Louis – even though he still looks exactly the same and just as hot as he did in 1910.
“Looks exactly the same and just as hot as he did in 1910” – why, someone said exactly the same about me only last weekend. Why is Molloy interviewing Louis anyway?
Because he’s a grizzly old hack living with a chronic illness who feels the best of his years are behind him, career-wise. Plus, Louis has invited him to Dubai during the pandemic to take up where they left off – it seems the pair of them met back in the seventies but that attempt at an interview didn't go too well. Louis now lives in the lap of luxury in a carefully controlled environment – special blinds on the windows, obedient manservant doing his bidding – but he doesn’t seem entirely happy with his lot. And now he wants to tell his story. Which he does, in flashback…
Brilliant to get a common pilot episode trope out of the way so fast. Nice. So, take me back to 1910, what’s happening?
Well, Louis is doing his thing, sorting out problems for his ‘ladies’, schmoozing with the evil white upper classes to keep them on side, and generally being swish and handsome, when he encounters Lestat. He’s flirting outrageously with Louis’s favourite lady, Miss Lily, and being extra ‘charmant’ in what I eventually came to realise was supposed to be a French accent, but actually sounds like Lestat is trying to manoeuvre bits of granola out of his rear molars with his tongue.
Sacre bleu. I’m guessing the sexual tension between our leading lads is off the scale.
Not quite. Not yet. While Lestat is obviously drinking Louis in like he’s a free margarita on arrival at your local nail bar’s Christmas party, Louis seems confused by the repulsion and attraction he feels. Eventually, after a few airy speeches by Lestat and a card game with the town’s leading bigoted dignitary pricks, the two of them find their connection.
Bonding over a love of Olaplex leave-in conditioner? Swapping Eras Tour friendship bracelets?
Almost. And the hair styling is indeed a triumph. But no, Lestat kind of freezes time and telepathically invades Louis’s mind – which Taylor may well start doing by the time her next album comes out. Lestat tells Louis he has great potential, that he’s too smart to be talked down to by these patronising racists, and the pair of them start to become friends, hanging out at the opera and going on deep and meaningful, uh, walks in the park at night. Meanwhile, people are turning up dead all over the place and nobody seems to know why.
Let me guess, Lestat’s fangs are getting busy. Look, you promised me horny and queer and so far it’s just a lot of TALKING.
Fine. Lestat lures Miss Lily and Louis into a threeway but poor Lily barely has time to have her nips fiddled with before Lestat puts her into a deep sleep and starts yanking Louis’s chain. They go at each other like two stray dogs on a kebab until what I can only describe as a magical flying bareback event.
Magical flying bareback event?
I wasn’t sure whether to spoil this, but I feel you have a right to know. Basically, Lestat bums Louis high into the air, and the pair of them float and, I assume, have some kind of orgasmic explosion. Either that or, by the looks on their faces, they’ve just emptied a full bag of TangFastics down their throats.
How tasteful. Now, I didn't listen much in history lessons at school, but I’m pretty sure bumming anyone, let alone a sexy semi-French vampire, was frowned upon in 1910. So, how are they getting away with it?
Lord knows. Part of Lestat’s magic mind control maybe . Regardless, Louis’s sister Grace is getting married and he decides to distance himself and focus on his family and businesses. A huge personal tragedy, however, leaves Louis broken, cast out by his kin and even more susceptible to Lestat’s dodgy Pepe Le Pew flirtations. What happens next will change Louis for ever.
Well, duh, no sh•t. I’m assuming he becomes a vampire? Or are they going to make us wait until episode two?
Yes, all right, nobody likes a clever dick, it happens, but not before one of the maddest, goriest, most brilliantly ridiculous and melodramatic scenes set in a church since… oh I don’t know, Charles and Lady Di got married. Even though you know what’s going to happen, the handbrake turns we take to get there are strangely gripping. It’s got priests! Blood! A confession booth! A crucifix! More sexy floating! And a LOT more blood!
Okay, so we know we have a flashback already – any other pilot tropes ticked off?
We have an unexpected death! And the whole present day setup is basically exposition in a fancy hat. No dream sequences or plucky best friend, but there is a doomed love interest.
Most impressive scene?
The last one. Hold tight.
Standout performance?
Jacob Anderson wonderfully tackles the extremes and internal conflicts of his character in both timelines and you feel for him. And once you get over the accent, Sam Reid’s charming and playful version of Lestat is genuinely funny and the contrast with his, shall we say, less PG side is all the more shocking for it.
Killer question! The Ejector Seat is ready. You gonna sink your fangs into more of this or spit it out and leave it to the undead?
More! More! More! I don’t generally watch horror – I couldn’t even sit through a tonsillectomy on Holby City – but the two leads are so charismatic and the whole thing so lush and dramatic that it kind of bewitches you… hang on, am I being seduced by a vampire? I can’t, I’ve got places to be.
Interview With The Vampire is streaming on BBC iPlayer.
This newsletter features different content themes and is currently published once a week. Ejector Seat reviews TV pilots and movies; The Madonna Diaries analyses Madge’s biggest songs, one by one; Flashbulb looks back at iconic cultural points in history; Conflicted presents the case for and against random things; Mood Ring is a digest of topical events or random thoughts; Word Count examines popular columns, columnists and the media; and The truth about everything* is a series of personal essays about pretty much anything. I hope you enjoy the contents of my head.
I listened to Andi & Miquita Oliver's podcast with Jacob Anderson. His character in Game of Thrones was a eunuch, and more than once he has been asked if he was really castrated. I think that says quite a lot about modern society.
Ok now I have to watch it!