The truth about 'Rivals'
They bray! They booze! They bonk!
Welcome to EJECTOR SEAT, where I watch the pilot episode of a TV show old or new, and ask myself (literally) whether it’s worth carrying on.
I’m not even going to pretend I’ve been living in a cave for the last six months – I feel the PR campaign for this show has been beamed right into my cerebral cortex. I open my eyes every morning half-expecting David Tennant to be standing at the bottom of my bed reading out passages from the book.
Yes! Jilly Cooper’s eighties bonkbuster Rivals has finally been adapted for the big screen, and it would be fair to say that Disney have thrown a few quid behind the production, given that it’s packed with stars – from the aforementioned former Doctor Who to Poldark’s striptastic Aidan Turner and Danny Dyer, of Danny Dyer fame.
Any women in this? Or is it a sausage fest?
Funny you should say that, as there is a prominent sausage but we shall come to that. Anyway, yes, there’s Claire Rushbrook, Katherine Parkinson, Victoria Smurfit, Emily Atack, Maggie Steed, and, most elite casting of all for me, Denise Black, the one-time flighty hairdresser from Coronation Street.
So what’s it about? And why has it taken nearly forty years for someone to adapt it?
It’s set in the seedy underworld of… independent television franchises – likely a relentless cutthroat bloodbath back when the novel came out in 1988, but all seems rather quaint now. TV boss Tony Baddingham (Tennant, looking even more like an owl who got covered in superglue and flew through a Moss Bros than usual) has just poached sexy firebrand, er, Terry Wogan avatar Declan O’Hara (Turner) from the BBC, thus planting the O’Hara family among the well-to-do set of Rutshire. As for why it’s taken so long for someone to adapt it, it’s set in the seedy underworld of independent television franchises – the TV power struggles and boardroom banter are incredibly un-thrilling, but don’t worry, they’ve seen to that.
How?
You get to see a dong about ten minutes in.
No, a DONG.
Oh. I assume you don’t mean Big Ben striking the half-hour. Whose dong are we perusing?
The main character I haven’t mentioned yet, the show’s central hunk: Dame Jilly’s favoured lothario, the red flag in jodhpurs, Rupert Campbell-Black, played with gusto by Alex Hassell.
Where have I seen him before?
Oh, lots of things, I suppose, and Google is available, but I fondly remember him from Sally Wainwright’s bizarre Liza Tarbuck vehicle Bonkers1 in which Hassell was an absolute dreamboat who spent half of his screentime with his arse out. Thanks to the Rivals makeover, however, Rupert Campbell-Black looks like a cross between a Facetuned Tsar Nicholas II, and famed marshmallow entrepreneur (and brother of the future queen) James Middleton.
How unnerving. Wasn’t Rupert a character in previous bonkbuster Riders? What’s he doing in this?
Our RC-B is an aristo and an MP who Baddingham has been advised to court for a position on the board so that the TV franchise can meet some regulatory requirements to be less left-wing or something.
God, this sounds so wilfully un-fascinating.
I know – this is where the todger comes in. The more conventionally pretty O’Hara daughter (the other one has pink hair so viewers can initially dismiss her as a sex object) spots a field on fire and – not realising that this is being done for Countryside Alliance reasons – hastens to the Campbell-Black chateau to warn them. Which is where she finds a naked RC-B, with a deep Strictly Come Dancing finalist tan, playing tennis naked with Emily Atack, who is playing someone else’s wife.
God this sounds traumatic for the poor young girl. Poor her. But also: is it real or a prosthetic?
Hassell has confirmed that other than the tan and the Bisto job on his barnet, the peen scene is all him.
Crikey. So I’m assuming the young girl makes a TikTok calling out RC-B’s weirdo behaviour and he’s sacked as an MP?
Um, no, it’s 1986 so there’s a brief flash of disgust from Taggie O’Hara (aged 20) before she flees Rupert’s wrath (and his schlong) and that’s that. Until Baddingham throws a huge party for Taggie’s dad where anyone and everyone will be there, including James Middleton’s evil twin.
Riiiiight. So let me guess, Rutshire is the kind of polite society whose hierarchy has anti-climb paint at its foundation.
Exactly that – it’s not long before Rupert is dismissing Baddingham as a blow-in who married well. There’s also championship-level sneering at a nouveau riche couple – played to perfection by Dyer and Mum scene-stealer Lisa McGrillis – and the various other TV arrivistes jostling for position.
Jostling to be on top of what, exactly?
Each other? From the first episode, it’s not entirely clear what anyone’s motivation is other than orgasm. Most of the characters already seem to have everything they want, so spend the first episode swanning about in the fashions of the day, complaining. That’s the beauty of it, though – even the people who have everything want more, and all the better if they manage to take it from someone else.
Can I be honest? This sounds like a bunch of bored, cartoonish grotesques creating conflict for the sake of it and pretending board meetings are the Algonquin round table and not three hours of Powerpoint on unreliable wifi. Didn't Dynasty do all this forty years ago?
Well, yes, but Dynasty was American, and about oil. Oil isn’t sexy in any form, even flavoured Ann Summers ‘booby oil’ gathering dust on your ‘adventurous’ auntie and uncle’s dressing table. And cartoonish grotesques? Yes! But anyone who’s spent even the shortest amount of time with a truly posh person — not that you’d get much longer than a minute unless you were titled or selling cocaine out of your manbag – will tell you truth and fiction are very close bedfellows here.
But I want someone to root for! This lot make me want to buy shares in guillotine companies.
Fear not, the character we’re supposed to like is novelist Lizzie Vereker, played by Katherine Parkinson. She’s married to bland breakfast telly presenter James – played by the always booked and busy Oliver Chris, still living down According to Bex in my eyes – and seems to be the only person in this who doesn’t deserve to be drowned in a duckpond. There is a heartbreaking and very relatable moment where Maud O’Hara (Smurfit) holds up Lizzie’s author photo next to her face and the silence is deafening. (Only a couple of weeks ago someone I’d never met before told me I looked different from my photos. 😬)
Hang on, did you say Danny Dyer is in this?
Yes, and he is playing Danny Dyer in a highly flammable syrup, thank goodness. He has a moment with dear sweet Lizzie at Baddingham’s shindig, bonding over the fact they eat like normal people. One to watch there, I’ll wager.
Okay, so let’s talk turkey. What pilot tropes are on display here?
The exposition is ladled out fairly heavily at certain junctures – there are a lot of characters and we need to know them fast, especially the O’Haras and their backstory, which is given literal milliseconds to breathe. No flashbacks, but we do get a montage at the end that has to be seen to be believed – the intimacy coordinators on this show must’ve walked off set as millionaires. No shock deaths but we do get a bait and switch relating to a character’s gender and Lizzie definitely inhabits the plucky best pal role with aplomb. There’s also an enemies to lovers setup that can be seen from space, and at least one dark family secret. No dream sequences but the opening scene certainly feels like one. I had to pinch myself.
Most impressive scene?
The opener, set on Concorde, is beyond insane. It immediately sets the tone, with the dial turned all the way up to ‘Ridiculous’. And yet I fully believe it actually happened at least once.
Standout performance?
Hard to pick because, with the greatest respect, it’s impossible to divine whether everyone is absolutely marvellous or excruciatingly terrible. Turner and Smurfit are watchable as middle-aged hornbags who are three martini rossos away from slinging their car keys into an ashtray, Hassell is basically taking a knife and fork to the scenery and David Tennant is enjoying himself a great deal. Parkinson is also a delight and no doubt McGrillis will be a thrill once she gets going.
Killer question! The Ejector Seat is poised, are you pushing the button and parachuting out or staying seated and eyes glued?
My boyfriend absolutely loved it and was cackling and clapping like a gay seal throughout2, so safe to say I will be riding this one until the end.
Are you sure you liked this?
Yes and no! It is almost too camp. And there is an over reliance on needle drops which can actually wrench you out of a scene. But there’s a lot of money on screen and the action never drops for a second – the plot is on roller-skates and beginning its descent down Highgate Hill. It’s fun. We’re allowed to have fun, right?
Why haven’t you been doing these reviews more often?
I've been looking for the right show to feature. If anyone has a suggestion of a show they’d like me to review, leave a comment or hit reply – especially if it’s new. Note to TV PRs: I’ll only ever give honest reviews and don’t offer copy approval.
The entire season of Rivals is available on Disney +
Oliver Chris also starred in Bonkers, along with Georgia Tennant, wife of David!
I have his permission to describe his behaviour.
Ten minutes in and I knew it was going to be my TV of the year. Sometimes you just need chewing gum for the brain and this is Wrigleys Extra Fresh.
Is this a safe space to admit that I fancy Danny Dyer’s Freddie Jones? Because I do.